What if I fail?
What if I let people down?
What if I can’t keep it all together?
Without ever realizing it I have taken these questions to heart throughout my life.
My father died when I was young and I was the only sibling still at home. My mom needed me. She needed me to make sure she took care of herself. She needed me to move heavy items. She needed me to figure out how to hook up the VCR. (Yes I am dating myself here). She needed me to take care of the yard. She needed me.
I married the man of my dreams. Or so I thought. He was kind and gentle, but not the take charge kind of person. I believed we were a perfect fit. I would support him, raise our kids, and work on our fixer upper, which never truly got fixed up. I encouraged him to follow his dreams and we built our life together. He needed me.
We all have these types of stories in our lives. Sure there are different relationships, different circumstances but when all that is stripped away, we as women need to feel needed.
Being needed fulfills a part of us which craves acknowledgement, appreciation, success. Maybe this is more common in women who are not climbing the corporate ladder. I will have to let you tell me. But the women I see are working outside the home, taking the kids to dance recitals, arranging sleepovers and planning the church fundraiser.
We push ourselves to do it all; mom, wife, taxi service, employee, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, organizer…the list goes on. But why do we do it?
We fear REJECTION,
dream of PERFECTION.
I am taking some online courses to challenge myself and pad my resume which lacks formal education and I find myself challenged by the desire to get perfect scores.
My daughter is getting married in a few short weeks and I am stressing over the details wanting everything to be perfect; for her and the guests.
I have dogs and therefore I have hair on my floors, my couch, everywhere! Everyone who knows me, knows this. Yet I rush to vacuum when I know someone is coming over and try to make my house look like a magazine.
I really fail here.
Worst yet is when I do host events I am always apologizing for the way things look or taste, all while people are giving me compliments. Even when I do succeed I have trouble accepting it.
All of this doing for others, keeping up appearances, trying to make everyone else happy; it takes its toll on me emotionally and physically.
Why am I so afraid of not being perfect?